Our Firecracker Meagan

It has been a week now since the ever-hilarious and passionate Meagan left us.  This week has been one of the most intensely emotional weeks for me.  Surges of sorrow were followed by bouts of laughter with intermittent sobs when reflecting on our memories together.  I think that's exactly how she would have wanted it.  Many people were saying to me, "She wouldn't want you to be sad and crying," and I just thought, "Oh yes, she damn well would!"  

Meagan is like me in this sense that she would want the world to stop for a while for her.  I can imagine what she would say to someone who hadn't cried and screamed to the Heavens at least once for this grand loss, because Meagan knew she was a treasure! Then, after some sincere mourning, yes, she would absolutely want everyone to find peace and happiness knowing that she is in a better place and that this was ordained for her.  Doesn't everyone want there to be a bit of drama when they depart this world?

Friday night, June 19, at 2AM here in Madrid, I had the privilege of watching one of the most heart-wrenching, epic, painful and yet beautiful celebrations of life, ever.  I am still in awe of the family's strength and courage.  To see Leonard's humility as he declared that he would worship his God even in the face of tragedy.  Rebecca's determination, Aaron's honesty, Melody's tenderness, her grandmother's charisma, and Jeremy's humor.  

I have taken so much from this great loss, and feel oddly enlivened.  It's like in passing Meagan gave all of us a bit of her fire.  And yes, I am fully confident that she possessed enough passion and life to give to the hundreds of people that are missing her (with some to spare.)  

I had this really vivid image of Meagan up in Heaven's living room moments before her funeral began, flopping onto the couch, crossing her legs, and with an enormous grin, rubbing her hands together, and exclaiming, "Yeah baby! Let's get this party started!" Followed by her cute, little squeak laugh! I could nearly hear it.  

I would like to say that she was probably amazed to see how many lives she touched, but let's be honest, she knew she was something special, and was saying "That's right baby! Glad to see you guys could make it to mi fiesta!"  She was so anchored in who she was and the talents she was given, and it was one of those things that maybe got under my skin at times, and forced me to roll my eyes at her confidence and admire it concurrently, but the moment she was in your presence, you couldn't remember ever being irritated with her.

In my previous blog, I feel ridiculous leaving out the most dominant characteristic about Meagan, because if there was one word that began to encompass Meagan, it is 'passionate'.  Due to the light, energy, and passion inside of her, she was able to be so many other things.  Witty, theatrical, loving, generous, and more adjectives than anyone wishes to read.   

Jeremy mentioned that she would buy random people's dinner for no other reason other than because she wanted to.  This reminded me of when two of my friends came to visit when she and I lived together, and we went to Don Pueblo's (Meagan, Mexican food? NO? Surely not!?) And at the end, she said, "I got it," and insisted on paying for all our of dinners.  I have a very difficult time accepting such gestures, but she did it with no motive other than she wanted to bless us.  

I remember thinking, "Meagan! What are you doing? You are always scrapping for money, why would you buy these boys', who you don't even really know, dinner."  Now, I realize why she was always scrapping for money.  Her immense heart and generosity consumed her bank account.  How inspiring! Another close friend of mine,  who is ironically named Megan as well, her mother has a simple but true saying when involving money, "You can't take it with you," and despite the disappointment of many Egyptian and Incan kings, it's so true!  Meagan obviously got that and used it as a tool to bless others!

I feel her presence.  I was at the gym and I was just having conversations with her in my head while doing the backstroke.  Listening to Lady Gaga on my walk home, I imaged her and I jamming out to other cheesy pop, driving down the road.  You know, it's fitting that she would be taken while in a car, giving a Celine Dion concert.  I am relieved to know she went instantly, no suffering, and managed to save her mother's life in the process.  I have countless memories of her and I driving around, just like Melody said they had so much fun on the 40-minute commute to MTSU, and I imagine her and Leonard had a blast as he chauffeured her to work the last months.  She loved driving around blaring music!

This sparks another short memory.  She once told me about how she was blasting the music and driving down the street.  She noticed that like magic, all of the cars started parting for her.  And dancing along, she thought, "Yeaaaah!" and cruised by with a smile. Haha, I can imagine her thinking, "That's right people! Move it, MEAGAN coming through!" After a minute or so of coasting like a queen, she glanced in her rearview mirror to discover there was an ambulance with flashing lights and angry EMTs jabbing at the horn! 

I am surprised at the serenity I am feeling about her passing.  I am not angry about it, and I am not questioning "WHY" any longer with brandished fists.  However, I continue to find moments of desolation at the loss.  I can't help but be sad for baby Olive, who never really got to know her aunt Meagan.  Can you imagine what an incredibly fun aunt Meagan was and would have been, especially about the time where a gal starts wearing make-up and getting into clothes?  Meagan would have had Olive styled to the 9s!  She wouldn't have any of those awkward, prepubescent photos to burn. Or the thought of her family trying to celebrate holidays without her. Or how much fun she and I would have had if we could have met up in Europe. Especially somewhere like Italy or Spain!  

Then, I am reminded for the millionth time.  Life is not a right, something we are entitle, but rather a conditional gift.  We are not guaranteed tomorrow, and we humans tend to think we should be entitled to not just one, but infinite tomorrows.  It's important to show love every day... to banish negative energy, to live each day, and celebrate it as a gift!!!  I have learned so much from Meagan, and Meagan's untimely death. 

Now, I find myself asking, "What would Meagan do?" and not just when it comes to make-up choices, although, yesterday I did ponder, "Would Megan wear this electric purple? Hmm.. or should I opt for a smokey berry... How would Meagan have applied this smokey berry!?" I will remember Meagan all the little things.  She has added a bounce and strut to my step, and I know she is up there still bouncing, strutting and being her FABULOUS self! 

Meagan, Love you eternally... miss you forever... and cherish our time together for always... ¡Chau for now cariño!

MEAGAN ELAINE AHLSTROM- October 12, 1984- June 14, 2009

 Truly, my heart is shattered at this incomprehensible tragedy.  Not only do I and hundreds of others weep for you, but Madrid is crying for you as well.  I woke up to a gray morning with rain steadily falling.  It seems to perfectly reflect my mood and the devastating event that happened just two days ago.  

I can't believe you're not on this earth anymore, Meagan.  I know I am not alone in pleading, "WHY? Dear God WHY?! Give me even a teardrop's worth of understanding and peace as to why?" Yet I realize there are some things in life, such as this, that I will never fathom! Never, will I understand why you were taken away from us so young.  How could such a beautiful, incredible creation be made simply to be taken away so untimely?! 

I don't think I need to tell you how incredibly loved you are, because I know that you had to have known this.  Meagan, you are irresistibly lovable!  First, people were instantly enchanted by the most gorgeous face, encrusted with a smile that shone brighter than the sun and accented by the most endearing dimples.  Then, all would capitulate to your wit, charm, poise, elegance, loving heart, sass, intelligence, determination, assertiveness and all the other components to your captivating personality. 

Meagan, you could relate a story in such a unique way.  With a flare, drama, inflection, and humor that was absolutely mesmerizing.  A true gift and talent! It was impossible to not be transfixed and devote 100% attention to your often hilarious or unfortunate anecdotes.  Your laugh! Oh my word, your laugh! You true laugh, (not just the polite one we all have when something is mildly amusing) where you would throw your head back in a quick jerk and out tumbled the most endearing laugh!  I can still feel it resonate in my ears. 

Did we have some good laughs or what?  I am so immensely thankful I got the opportunity to be your roommate and friend! I have been flooded with memories of all the silliness and harmlessly eccentric things we did!  Although, I know after our roommate-ship ended, we didn't keep in contact as much as we could have or would have liked, but I never stopped thinking about you.  You affected me Meagan.  Your friendship left a major imprint on my life! ¡Qué suerte! 

I am trying to remember every conversation we ever had.  I want to remember everything.  I wish my brain had this capability. It has failed me.  However, more and more adventures are sneaking into my head.

I can barely recall any events before a certain age because I have not been gifted with long-term memory, but what I do distinctly recollect is, when I lived in Mt. Juliet, you were my best friend.  You and another girl named Meghan.  Ironically, this started a trend.  When I moved to Kingsport, I met three more Megans and became great friends.  My first friend at MTSU was also named Megan, yet it started with you! You are my first Meagan!

Again, I can't exactly express how blessed I am to have been your roommate and partner in crime.  Those shorts months have provided me with unforgettable memories. I have to get them all out of me... I have to write them down, so that I may NEVER forget them.  I won't let them get lost in time.

I remember when we became roommates.  You had come over to the duplex and I hadn't seen you in years.  You were the embodiment of refinement, and I was completely intimidated.  I recall I had just gotten a new cell phone and was relentlessly fiddling with it to avoid having to interact with you because I felt so inferior.  I hadn't exactly blossomed into a graceful nor sophisticated lady, but rather a more awkward and insecure one.  

After you had a officially moved in, I quickly realized that under the regale and polished  exterior was the most fun loving, hysterical, cut-up, who loved books, movies and crocheting. What a match we were! Dueling crochet needles while watching episode after episode of Sex and the City!  

In the first weeks, Rebecca and Leonard came for a visit and brought you some groceries.  They also had bought us chips and salsa, and I distinctly remember us literally jumping for joy, hollering like we had won the lottery, so eager to sit in the living room and watch a movie over some salsa. Your parents gave us a look like we were insane. See, we could always appreciate the small things in life ;-).

At that time, I was so "in love" with a boy named Josh.  Remember him? You would curl my hair before I went to church with him, and were so protective and skeptical of him like a good mother hen! You also joined me often to church.  Oh the ridiculous schemes we came up with!

On the way to church, there was that house that had the most ostentatious and kitschy yard decor.  They had enormous, blow-up decorations (all illuminated from within for all-hours enjoyment!)  for every little holiday: a massive pumpkin for halloween, inflated cornucopia with pilgrim for Thanksgiving, and a gigantic snow globe for Christmas that rotated, and I believe there were a few others in between.  

You and I decided that their decoration dedication should not go unnoticed.  So, we went home and used a certificate template on the computer, which stated, "Congratulations on Best Holiday Decorators in Rutherford Country for 2004"  or something similar.  We even found some sort of stamp to make it look official, then signed and dated it.  After it was sealed up in an envelope, the following Wednesday we dropped it in their newspaper box.  :-) 

We weren't doing it to be spiteful, but really to let them know, people, regardless of how tacky, appreciated their hard work, because really you couldn't help but smile when you saw large inflated holiday articles.  You and I also discussed that they might be disappointed the following year after they had vamped-up their ornamentation and would not receive the certificate because we knew we would forget.

While on the topic of absurd things we did, how about our traditional "rent day" excursions? Yes, the first day of every month where we would drive to Taco Bell topless, only sporting our bras whilst singing at the tip-top of our lungs Ashlee Simpson's "La La" and "Love Me for Me."  We would speed up over the train tracks in order for the small hump to "catch" our stomachs, giggling the whole way of course with warm, burritos smelling up the little black Honda.

And our discussions of The Limited's annoying, house music choice!?  We put on Tweet "Boogie 2Nite" and especially, "Make Ur Move," and created dance moves that you could incorporate while helping customers.  Elaborate kicks and spins while pantomiming hanging clothes on the racks between head flicks with exaggerated cheesy smiles and saying "How can I help you? Do you need that in a small?"  How easily we could amuse ourselves! 

One thing that always amazed me was your ability to wear high heels for an entire day! Not only could you properly walk in 4-inch heels, but you could run.  One night as we arrived home, I said something offensive, teasing you.  Naturally, you came after me and I darted down the street, assuming I was safe after about 15 paces, I turned around only to discover you right on my heels, running at an impressive speed whilst in black stilettos and with a hilarious "I'm going to get you!" expression!  I was so surprised, I let out a scream, and immediately began laughing so out of control, I couldn't take another step, and had to take my beating ;-) haha!! 

Later, you divulged your secret of wearing high heels.  You credited it to your "paw pad" as you called it.  Then, you took off your shoe and on the ball of your foot, you unabashedly displayed a circle that was so tough, it felt exactly like a paw of an animal.  It was a perfect circle! I poked it in amazement! :-)

I loved how you were this dichotomy of finesse and coarseness simultaneously.  You could get dolled-up like an absolute lady and strut around like a model, and at other times you would burp loudly or pee with the door open.  My particular favorite was when you discovered your bathtub was clogged from an inordinate amount of hair.  You were so impressed that you actually put the massive wad of grotesque, slimy hair in a baggy and later proudly showed me! HAHA how disgusting and yet hilarious! I loved that paradox about you! 

We weren't always alone in that duplex if you recall.  It started with one of your favorite creatures.... the millipede! One eve, I heard a loud, horrified scream that was followed by flailing arms and jumping up down while yelling for me.  I rushed to the scene expecting to see something like a shark in the bathtub or a man with a chain-saw, but instead, it was a little red millipede slowly making his way across the carpet and into your bathroom.  I'm fairly certain you immediately called an exterminator before I could even work out the details with my parents haha! Hey, you're a woman who knows what she wants! Let's just be thankful it wasn't millipedes AND owls... you would have really flipped out!

There was one creature that we welcomed with open arms.  A mutt who inherited all of her parents most identifiable qualities.  She had the head shape and fur of a German shepherd, the colorings and markings of a Rottweiler, and the height and body shape of a Basset Hound.  Her long, low body hadn't quite caught up with her large head, always making it seem she would topple over.  Our lil' gravity defier!

We pondered for a long time what to name the little girl.  Creatively and probably your idea, we used part of our street name, Black Fox Crossing.  We took Fox and translated it into Spanish, which is "Zorro".  However, we had the dilemma that it is a masculine word, and so we simply forced it into the feminine, "Zorra".  Later, as you went on to study Spanish further, you probably learned, as did I, that the word "Zorra" in Spanish is not exactly a nice word, but actually means, bitch.  In the end, I suppose it is still fitting for a female dog! ;-) 

One night while you and Zorra were at home alone doing some homework and watching some TV (I assume Zorra was chewing on something or napping), you heard a terrifying noise from the kitchen... paper rattling.  Convinced there was an intruder you grabbed Zorra's small arms that were protruding from under the coffee table, in one swift motion slid her up and into your arms, and ran to your car.

  In a frenzy, you called me relaying the drama.  You joined me at two guy friend's house wearing no shoes, your pajamas, and holding young Zorra under your arm.  In great detail, joined by a theatrical reenactment, you explained the events.  The boys offered to go and "check" everything out, but I pridefully declined, certain it was nothing.

 On the drive back and upon reaching the house, you had successfully freaked me out by continuing to replay the story with more details each time!!! I was determined to save face.  I slowly unlocked the door, then, kicked it open. We slowly crept in, frantically looking every direction and turning on every light.  Then, we reached my room... the door was closed.  Had I closed the door?? NO! NO, I HADN'T! THE INTRUDER MUST HAVE CLOSED THE DOOR! We concluded and sprinted out of the house and called my friends.

Dutifully, they showed up with baseball bats in hand.  Nervously, they surveyed the entire apartment, and realized there was no trespasser to be found.  Looking back, it's rather hilarious because these boys were not even as big as you and I, Meag.  They were short, super thin boys. We probably would have stood a better chance had there actually been anyone there, especially if you had been wearing heels.  Watch out! 

Ultimately, it was discovered that we did have intruders of sorts. We had mice!! Those little devils had been chewing newspaper in the kitchen.  We found their "evidence" all over the place after that!  Our good friend the exterminator came once again! 

Ahhh and I will never forget the story of the Italian, leather guy.  I think you were driving around Nashville with Lindsey and caught his eye.  He was motioning to you and somehow you ended up getting his card by him slipping it through the slightly cracked window while driving.  Then, he took you to a lovely dinner where you discovered he was a gorgeous Italian man who sold real, Italian leather shoes and made several trips to Italy per year.  Nothing came of that, but what a story! Only you could catch the eye of some handsome Italian man, while driving, and make him so determined to meet you, he managed to give you his business card... again, while driving!

There are so many other memories I have of you that it would be impossible to list them all.  As I said before Meagan, you aren't just a collection of memories, you have had an actual effect on my life.  You have made my life better and certainly more interesting! 

To say that I envied you your elegance, mouth-dropping beauty, confidence, humor and intelligent wouldn't be correct, but rather admired, appreciated and learned from your amazing qualities.  I hope that I have given you a morsel of what you gave me by simply being Megan Elaine Ahlstrom!

You had just written me, June 11, you wrote, "shall i come visit you sometime? somewhere? i'll bring some new hoooot dance moves and some giggles! :) M"

I replied to you June 14th, 6:01 AM Central time, "Ummm YES PLEASE!! ¿Qué tal? ¿Dónde vives ahora? En Chicago? ¿ Qué trabajo tienes? Necesito un compañero de viaje este Agosto. Viajo a Slovenia y Croatia. Si tu estás en el barrio, debes venir conmigo!! ¡Qué sí! Te echo de menos! Muchos besos y un muy fuerte abrazo!"  (translation: how are you? Where do you live now? In Chicago? What work are you doing? I need a travel partner this August. I travel to Slovenia and Croatia.  If you are in the neighborhood, you must come with me! YES! I miss you! Many kisses and a very tight hug!)

What I didn't realize when I pushed "send" was that just an 1 hour and 15 minutes before, you had gone to your new home, and were seeing something more exquisite, serene and amazing than any country here on earth!  I just wish you could send me a postcard from there, telling me you are fine and happy, and wouldn't come back to this smelly, old earth for anything, and as much as you miss your family and friends, you know you will see them again, and that you are eagerly awaiting us! Welcome mat out!

I wish you could have made it to Spain.  A few years ago, we had made elaborate plans to see each other in Spain when you went with that class to Murcia.. or was it Malaga? I know you always wanted to come here, but trust me, where you are now is eons better than España!!!!!! 

People here in Spain keep telling me that they understand it is terrible and so unfair, but follow it with "that's life," or "life will go on."  How can they say this to me? Is it just that they don't know a more delicate translation.  Yes, life will go on, but why does MINE get to go on, and yours stopped at 24 years?  They tell me to stop crying, but I want to cry! I want to mourn. I want to feel this loss.  I don't want to just pretend everything's fine and watch a movie or go out with friends.  I know someday I will do all of those things, and I will laugh and be happy, but I need time.  

No matter how painful things are now, I am so appreciative to have know you for nearly 20 years Meagan!  I wouldn't trade this grief and despair if it meant never having known you.  I am trying to see life from the perspective of quality versus quantity. 

I looked up the meaning of your names.  Elaine means Light, while Meagan means pearl in Welsh.  How perfectly suitable, Meagan!  God's own pearl, a light that people are attracted to and it's mere presence makes everything more beautiful. The formation of a pearl naturally is nearly a miracle, and can take years for an oyster to produce. Finding a natural pearl is so rare that this explains their enormous value.  Selfishly, we all want to keep our bright pearl here with us, to adorn ourselves, but God's been molding you, a lovely formed pearl, for the past 24 years, and although we have no idea why nor why now, he has chosen to free you from your shell, to enjoy you and ornament Heaven with you.

I know you loved your family more than words could express, and vice versa.  All I can think about is your sweet, God-loving family.  I can see each of them in my head vividly, and I wish that I could be there to hug each of them and profess my deepest sorrow and sympathy.  I understand that they will never get over this immense loss, none of us will, but I am certain that they possess enough faith, trust, love and strength to gain some peace and understanding in the coming weeks and months.  I pray that Rebecca's body heals rapidly and her spirit as well.  I pray for you entire family to feel the love and support from everyone who knows them, and to trust God's will.  I pray for some divine glimpse of tranquility for all of us.

How gracious that you got to see your darling sister, Melody get married! How thankful that you got to meet your baby niece, Olive and see your sweet brother, Aaron wed as well.  How blessed are your parents to have had you, enjoy you, love you for 24 years, which will continue for eternity.  How privileged are we all to have known you, learn from you, laugh with you!! Meagan, all is not lost, you will live eternally in Heaven and in our hearts. I love you so! I love you so! I love you so! Te quiero, te quiero, mi amor!

Te doy todos los besos yo tengo!

With love,

Ashlea Hall