Today is day 7! Yes, I've made it one whole week! I fell off the wagon today a bit, splurging on "Melba Toast"... of all things, I know, I know. I am allowed two pieces per day. Has anyone ever seen Melba Toast? I am debating on cutting them out entirely. Why is it that bland, easy to eat foods are such a weakness for me? Why don't I splurge on asparagus or Swiss chard? I'm not alarmed that I slipped today. It could have been worse. It could have the raspberry-ice cream sitting in the freezer... It could have been a Chick-Fil-A chicken deluxe chicken sandwich ;-) But regardless, calories are calories.
Last time, in the first few months of trying to lose, everyone was telling me how much weight I had lost, but I couldn't see it in the mirror yet. My clothes became baggier and baggier, and yet, I still couldn't see it. Isn't that funny? Similarly, when I put on I can't really "see" just how much I've gained. Perception is such a challenging aspect of the journey.
This morning I was down 14 lbs, since I started. (We'll see tomorrow AM if that is still true with the Melba Toast fiasco). Fourteen pounds for someone my size, is a drop in the bucket, not to discredit my efforts. It's a great start, but I can't help but wonder at how many pounds will I see some results? It's so exciting to think about!
I decided today instead of focusing on how I feel, and how challenging this journey is, that I would focus on all the amazing things I'm looking forward to as a thinner, healthier me:
-SHOPPING! Not to be too cliche, but I can't wait until I can shop for clothes and actually enjoy the way the clothes lay on my body. I can't wait to see a number on the tag of my jeans that doesn't make me feel ashamed and humiliated. I can't wait to try on clothes with my mom and not fight ;-)
-CONFIDENCE- I can't wait to feel more confident. To walk into a place fully confident, not thinking people are judging me on how horrible or fat I look, but know who I am , what I have to offer, and how fabulous I am and not giving too much thought to other people's criticisms.
-EXERCISE- I can't wait to be able to run again! I had gained the endurance to run 5 miles or more without stopping. It was an incredible feeling of accomplishment! I couldn't even do that in high school. It was a way to relieve stress and clear my mind. I can't wait to be fit again, and have some endurance and strength.
-THIGHAGE- I can't wait for my thighs to touch less. This might sound crazy for those of you who have never been overweight, or have very thin legs. Some people's thighs might not even be aware that it has a mate just across the way, but my thighs have rarely been apart, but they are getting very fed up with each other, and I think it's time they give each other some space.
-COMFORT- Again, some of you might not know what it's like to be overweight, and I commend you for this. Some of you might have been pregnant though, and can relate to the feeling of being trapped in this large, awkward form that inhibits you at times from doing the most simple of tasks. It's embarrassing but more over, it's frustrating!! To struggle to do elementary, daily duties is absolutely not a way to live!
-HEALTH- I want to live a healthy life. I do not want to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars in avoidable medical bills. I want to have energy and great joints. I want to be strong!
-AIRPLANE SEATS- I haven't flown in a long while, but I most definitely don't want to be one of those people who need a seat belt extender! I do recall, that the last time I flew in the autumn, I was at the end of the belt. I don't want to be one of those people who enter the plane and hit every other passenger with my hips as I walk down the aisle, and every seated passenger is praying I'm not going to sit next to them and overflow into their seat overcrowding them for the duration of the flight.
-LEATHER JACKET- I have this leather jacket I bought in Spain, and desperately want to fit in again. In fact, I want to be able to fit in all my old clothes again.. Then, get even thinner.
These are just a few of the many positive, life-changing results I'm expecting!!
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
This will be brief but positive. I felt normal today!!! Yes, I felt good! Still hungry at different parts of the day, but I felt amazingly better. I also want to thank my parents for calling me and constantly supporting me, making sure I'm still hanging in there. Also, I have to thank Zach. He's been incredibly supportive and encouraging. He also has been giving me the injections and doing a perfect job!
There will be more tomorrow, but I took a sleeping pill earlier to take a nap, which was a colossal mistake. So, now I am in this groggy funk. I had to wake myself up to eat, and surprisingly was not hungry. I considered not eating, but I didn't want to wake up in the middle of the night starved.
Once again, I want to thank you three (the only ones reading this) because someone very wise once told me, "You can't do this alone," and I haven't felt alone at all.
LOVE YOU! XOXO
Monday, July 23, 2012
When Will I be balanced?
Today, the second of the 500 calorie days, was actually better than Day 1. I am somewhat hopeful, and very relieved that I didn't feel as terrible! Only mild, intermittent headaches, but less fatigue and less hunger. Don't get me wrong, I am still extremely hungry and have a general sense of malaise, but it is less. I was told the first 3 days of the diet are the worst. One more to go then!
I find myself craving rather random things: Pinto beans, black beans, sweet potatoes, cheese, CHEESE, pickles, Tikka Masala. I can't let myself dwell on any of this food too long, because I want to cheat so badly, I can't stand it. Mainly, just to feel satisfied and not so hungry. It's amazing to me that I can eat so much cabbage and so little chicken, and almost within 20 minutes feel my stomach aching again.
I can't help but think of all the starving children and people in the world. I can't imagine. It's all-consuming! I wonder how people fast for days and days on end. Am I this weak? Or perhaps, it really is just this difficult!
Today, I had to take a co-worker to pick up his car, and for a brief moment I got excited at the idea of what fast-food I would pick up. You see, the floor boards of my car, at times, have resembled a fast-food graveyard with an assortment of bags and wrappers as headstones... from all the worst places, Taco Bell, McDonalds, Burger King, Panera and sometimes the not-as-bad, Chik-Fil-A, Subway, Jimmy Johns... etc. But then, I realized I couldn't relish in my little midday food excursions and I couldn't take solace in a warm, fattening binge.
That's the thing, it's so much more than challenging your body, it's challenging your mind. Reshaping your thoughts, redirecting your desires, and even as pathetic as it sounds, mourning the loss of your old lifestyle. Accepting that the previous lifestyle you led, can not be repeated. I think this is the hardest part for me, realizing this isn't a temporary change, but a permanent one. Although, I plan to on occasion to eat foods that are "naughty", but not in the portions or manner as before. It's truly about balance. When I was running around 22-25 miles a week, I could eat more or less what I wanted and maintain. Again, there has to be a balance.
I am very eager to get off work and go to sleep!! I had a challenging time trying to sleep last night. Day 3, here I come!
I find myself craving rather random things: Pinto beans, black beans, sweet potatoes, cheese, CHEESE, pickles, Tikka Masala. I can't let myself dwell on any of this food too long, because I want to cheat so badly, I can't stand it. Mainly, just to feel satisfied and not so hungry. It's amazing to me that I can eat so much cabbage and so little chicken, and almost within 20 minutes feel my stomach aching again.
I can't help but think of all the starving children and people in the world. I can't imagine. It's all-consuming! I wonder how people fast for days and days on end. Am I this weak? Or perhaps, it really is just this difficult!
Today, I had to take a co-worker to pick up his car, and for a brief moment I got excited at the idea of what fast-food I would pick up. You see, the floor boards of my car, at times, have resembled a fast-food graveyard with an assortment of bags and wrappers as headstones... from all the worst places, Taco Bell, McDonalds, Burger King, Panera and sometimes the not-as-bad, Chik-Fil-A, Subway, Jimmy Johns... etc. But then, I realized I couldn't relish in my little midday food excursions and I couldn't take solace in a warm, fattening binge.
That's the thing, it's so much more than challenging your body, it's challenging your mind. Reshaping your thoughts, redirecting your desires, and even as pathetic as it sounds, mourning the loss of your old lifestyle. Accepting that the previous lifestyle you led, can not be repeated. I think this is the hardest part for me, realizing this isn't a temporary change, but a permanent one. Although, I plan to on occasion to eat foods that are "naughty", but not in the portions or manner as before. It's truly about balance. When I was running around 22-25 miles a week, I could eat more or less what I wanted and maintain. Again, there has to be a balance.
I am very eager to get off work and go to sleep!! I had a challenging time trying to sleep last night. Day 3, here I come!
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Crap, it's just begun...
Technically speaking, it's day 3 of 40. However, it is Day 1 of the "transformation phase" i.e. the 500 calorie diet portion. Last night, I dreamt that I cheated on my first day by eating several handfuls of Lucky Charms, in particular focusing on the marshmallows, while shopping at a Home Depot???.. Odd, huh? What does that mean exactly? Perhaps that I am scared I will fail and disappoint myself and others, not to mention waste a lot of money!
Yet I haven't cheated today, but I am finding it much more challenging than expected. During the consultation, I was told "You won't be hungry on this diet..."..... Me and my growling tummy would like to disagree. I feel very lethargic, tired, and hungry.
So far today, I have consumed:
2 cups of black tea
1 very tasteless orange
100 grams of Tuna fillet with one fresh garlic clove, salt and pepper
165 grams of cabbage with cumin and curry powder and pinch of salt.
1 medium apple
Tonight, I will have 100 grams of chicken and two vine tomatoes.
I suppose I was expecting to feel more "satisfied" having had the shot, and not be hungry. However, I've only had the shot 3 days, so I will just have to give it some time. There is already a nagging feeling that I will not do a second cycle of the HCG shot. I am very eager to get these remaining 37 days behind me and start exercising and weight lifting, and of course not having quite as restrictive diet. I realize it is very premature and things could get better, but I've had headaches each day as they said I might the first week, but I notice they lessen if I constantly drink water. 160 oz. is the minimum amount of water and that is a lot of water and that is a challenge in itself.
I've decided to abstain from a few other things as well during this next 5 weeks. I will not purchase make-up during this time, a recent obsession... again. I will not purchase DVDs or unnecessary items. I will focus on my goal, and the great things in store this autumn. In September, Zach and I will go somewhere to celebrate his B-day, and in October, I will be going to see some German friends in Germany. I want to be significantly thinner by then!
I will take this one day at a time...
Saturday, July 21, 2012
On the road again...
Well, after a two year hiatus, it seems I am coming back to my blog, but this time, it's a different adventure entirely! Before, I wrote tales of my travels abroad or Au Pair adventures. However, this time is slightly less interesting perhaps, but completely necessary to my success. It's to chart my progress and record my feelings during this challenging weight-loss journey. I considered making a new blog and calling it, "Some Call Me As BIG As Texas," but that seems self-depreciating, and honestly, that's the last thing I need when starting a weight-loss program... a drastic, lifestyle altering weight-loss program.
You see, I've done this whole "diet" and "weight-loss" thing more times than I could count. However, starting in April of 2009 into March of 2010, I had substantial success for the first time...ever. I lost around 75 to 85 pounds. It's hard to say exactly because I didn't know my starting weight. I got down to my lowest weight as an adult. I then took a job in Columbus, GA with long, crazy hours, and traded all my self-discipline for gorging sessions in my room, and by the end of 2010, I had gained probably 65 pounds or more back. Starting in 2011, my weight gain did not slow, and by end of 2011, I had officially passed my heaviest weight ever, weighing in at XXX or as I like to say 125+, which is where I currently reside. Perhaps, after I have lost a large amount of weight, I will divulge that starting number.
For two years now, I always would tell myself, "At the end of the month, I will start exercising and eating healthy." Month after month, no changes would occur, and I am just now doing something about it. I decided to try this HCG shot, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't a bit skeptical. The diet that goes with it, is so incredibly restrictive at 500 calories, how could anyone NOT lose weight, HCG shot or not? They limit you to 30-45 minute light exercise per day, simply because any more strenuous exercise would require more input of calories. I have now taken the shot 2 days during the "loading Phase" which entails eating as much high fat food as possible, before more or less starving your body of fat for 38 more days. I can't say I have felt at all less hungry OR more energetic. In fact, I have been exhausted. However, when you pay what I have paid to do this program, you put the skepticism out of your mind, and focus on the goal.
The P.A. who is over this particular program is forecasting that I will drop at least 40 pounds if not more. Personally, I am NOT a scale person, and this program does have you weighing yourself every day. I believe it's smarter and healthier mentally to weigh yourself every two weeks or once a week at most. Yet, I understand they are monitoring it very closely. So, after the 40 days of HCG shots and 500-calorie diet. I will probably weigh myself once a week. My main goal of this program is to jump start and motivate my weight loss program and to give myself hope. I have had NO true motivation, which is bizarre given my current size and complete unhappiness with it. I suppose when you are so deep in a problem that you can't see the way out, you simply surrender.
I finally see a way out, and I want to pave my road with proven and successful methods. I have been thinking about what helped me succeed last time. It's easy to see the differences and new challenges I will face. At the time, I lived in Madrid and walked unconsciously several miles a day most likely. Also, I only worked 25 hours a week and had a low-stress job. From 9AM til 5PM, I was free to focus on health and weight loss. I worked out every day at a very nice gym with lap pool and spa that had warm water massage pools and Turkish steam room great for post exercise to relax.
Regardless of how less glamorous my current position is, there are still techniques I implemented that greatly improved my journey and can help me now...
-PREPARATION- the easiest way to fail is to be caught unprepared. Let me ask, what's easier, to prepare a healthy meal that involves 30 minutes of cooking and at least 8 minutes of cleaning, or swing by Chik-Fil-A and grab a #1 combo? We all know the answer. When you find yourself hungry for a snack, those uncut veggies in your fridge are a lot more effort than that bag of chips... cookies.... or whatever is easily accessible. Being prepared with healthy food is the best way to ensure you won't cheat.
-FOOD TRACKING- In 2009, for the first month, I tracked my food and caloric intake, as well as my exercise. It really helps show you what exactly goes into your mouth. It's so easy to grab a handful of nuts or take a bit of this, that or the other without realizing that those seemingly harmless nibbles can add up to 300, 400 or more extra calories... Then, you scratch your head and wonder why on earth you can't shed those extra pounds. If you are dieting towards a 1200-calorie diet, and you eat an extra 400 calories a day just in bites or pieces or extra helpings, which is so easy to do without realizing, that's 2800 extra calories a week. Well, 3500 calories equal about a pound, so you can see how this stunts one's weight-loss goals.
-SELF-DISCIPLINE- It's one of those things that our current society tries to get out of. Let's take a pill, let's drink a shake, let's have gastric bypass, wear this vibrating belt for abs, drink this tea, let's do anything to avoid the "old fashioned way" of weight loss. Strict diet and exercise, which require ample amounts of.... self-discipline. There's really no emphasis on this very crucial aspect of weight loss. YES, it will suck giving up all the foods you love, getting sweating in the gym, where maybe you feel self-conscious, but eventually, those results will be the fuel you need. Every individual requires different amounts of calories to live, everyone's metabolic rate is different, but basic science will tell you, in order to lose, you have to output more than you input. In order to have the energy to do all this, you have to feed your body right and not just watch calories, but focus on getting the nutrients, proteins and fats your body needs. All of this is so challenging, and you have to be disciplined no matter what easy, fast-acting, effortless method the market is selling.
These are a the main things that I know will make my journey more successful. One thing that I have now that I didn't was a visual goal. I can now see myself thinner, where as before, it was just imagination. I can see myself thinner by looking back at photos. I know this will be more difficult than the last time, but I want it to be just that, the last time....
You see, I've done this whole "diet" and "weight-loss" thing more times than I could count. However, starting in April of 2009 into March of 2010, I had substantial success for the first time...ever. I lost around 75 to 85 pounds. It's hard to say exactly because I didn't know my starting weight. I got down to my lowest weight as an adult. I then took a job in Columbus, GA with long, crazy hours, and traded all my self-discipline for gorging sessions in my room, and by the end of 2010, I had gained probably 65 pounds or more back. Starting in 2011, my weight gain did not slow, and by end of 2011, I had officially passed my heaviest weight ever, weighing in at XXX or as I like to say 125+, which is where I currently reside. Perhaps, after I have lost a large amount of weight, I will divulge that starting number.
For two years now, I always would tell myself, "At the end of the month, I will start exercising and eating healthy." Month after month, no changes would occur, and I am just now doing something about it. I decided to try this HCG shot, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't a bit skeptical. The diet that goes with it, is so incredibly restrictive at 500 calories, how could anyone NOT lose weight, HCG shot or not? They limit you to 30-45 minute light exercise per day, simply because any more strenuous exercise would require more input of calories. I have now taken the shot 2 days during the "loading Phase" which entails eating as much high fat food as possible, before more or less starving your body of fat for 38 more days. I can't say I have felt at all less hungry OR more energetic. In fact, I have been exhausted. However, when you pay what I have paid to do this program, you put the skepticism out of your mind, and focus on the goal.
The P.A. who is over this particular program is forecasting that I will drop at least 40 pounds if not more. Personally, I am NOT a scale person, and this program does have you weighing yourself every day. I believe it's smarter and healthier mentally to weigh yourself every two weeks or once a week at most. Yet, I understand they are monitoring it very closely. So, after the 40 days of HCG shots and 500-calorie diet. I will probably weigh myself once a week. My main goal of this program is to jump start and motivate my weight loss program and to give myself hope. I have had NO true motivation, which is bizarre given my current size and complete unhappiness with it. I suppose when you are so deep in a problem that you can't see the way out, you simply surrender.
I finally see a way out, and I want to pave my road with proven and successful methods. I have been thinking about what helped me succeed last time. It's easy to see the differences and new challenges I will face. At the time, I lived in Madrid and walked unconsciously several miles a day most likely. Also, I only worked 25 hours a week and had a low-stress job. From 9AM til 5PM, I was free to focus on health and weight loss. I worked out every day at a very nice gym with lap pool and spa that had warm water massage pools and Turkish steam room great for post exercise to relax.
Regardless of how less glamorous my current position is, there are still techniques I implemented that greatly improved my journey and can help me now...
-PREPARATION- the easiest way to fail is to be caught unprepared. Let me ask, what's easier, to prepare a healthy meal that involves 30 minutes of cooking and at least 8 minutes of cleaning, or swing by Chik-Fil-A and grab a #1 combo? We all know the answer. When you find yourself hungry for a snack, those uncut veggies in your fridge are a lot more effort than that bag of chips... cookies.... or whatever is easily accessible. Being prepared with healthy food is the best way to ensure you won't cheat.
-FOOD TRACKING- In 2009, for the first month, I tracked my food and caloric intake, as well as my exercise. It really helps show you what exactly goes into your mouth. It's so easy to grab a handful of nuts or take a bit of this, that or the other without realizing that those seemingly harmless nibbles can add up to 300, 400 or more extra calories... Then, you scratch your head and wonder why on earth you can't shed those extra pounds. If you are dieting towards a 1200-calorie diet, and you eat an extra 400 calories a day just in bites or pieces or extra helpings, which is so easy to do without realizing, that's 2800 extra calories a week. Well, 3500 calories equal about a pound, so you can see how this stunts one's weight-loss goals.
-SELF-DISCIPLINE- It's one of those things that our current society tries to get out of. Let's take a pill, let's drink a shake, let's have gastric bypass, wear this vibrating belt for abs, drink this tea, let's do anything to avoid the "old fashioned way" of weight loss. Strict diet and exercise, which require ample amounts of.... self-discipline. There's really no emphasis on this very crucial aspect of weight loss. YES, it will suck giving up all the foods you love, getting sweating in the gym, where maybe you feel self-conscious, but eventually, those results will be the fuel you need. Every individual requires different amounts of calories to live, everyone's metabolic rate is different, but basic science will tell you, in order to lose, you have to output more than you input. In order to have the energy to do all this, you have to feed your body right and not just watch calories, but focus on getting the nutrients, proteins and fats your body needs. All of this is so challenging, and you have to be disciplined no matter what easy, fast-acting, effortless method the market is selling.
These are a the main things that I know will make my journey more successful. One thing that I have now that I didn't was a visual goal. I can now see myself thinner, where as before, it was just imagination. I can see myself thinner by looking back at photos. I know this will be more difficult than the last time, but I want it to be just that, the last time....
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