Cheat Meal One

Weeks ago, I planned for today, August 24th, to be the day I had my first cheat meal after 5 weeks of only eating what I myself had cooked.  Halfway through this week, I had second thoughts, thinking I wasn't ready for my first cheat meal. Then, self-pity got the best of me when Zach went off on a day-trip to NYC.  As happy as I was for him to go and enjoy himself, I was equally sad that my travel and wanderlust days are numbered, nearly non-existent. Therefore, I self-medicated the best way I know... with food.

After work today, I had every intention to go to the gym.  With gym bag in hand, I went to my car, got off the exit to the gym and my gas light went on.  My quest to find fuel led me further and further away from the gym, and closer to the idea of a cheat meal. Yes, that is how quickly I can change.. gym to cheat meal in the blink of an eye. 

After fueling up a long, traffic filled ways from the gym, I figured I might as well order a pizza, enjoy my cheat meal from the comfort of my own little apartment. One small, pepperoni, mushroom and green pepper pizza. I sped home so excited, Oh how I had waited for this moment. Got everything situated. Slowly opened the box, letting the cheesy smell waft over me, pulling a very greasy piece towards my salivating gob and proceeded to eat the entire small pizza... probably within 15 minutes... Alone.  The first bites were nice... tasty, good. Not quite as incredible as I expected.  After the first piece, I'm not sure what was driving me to continue. It became a mindless chore that I must stuff myself with this pizza. 

After gobbling down the whole thing myself in one sitting, I promised I would go to the gym later. As the food settled into my stomach, I became more and more lethargic and felt worse and worse.  I drank two cups of coffee and a cup of black tea to battle the fatigue.  I felt terrible, gross and just down right sick.

I ate this pizza right around 1pm and at 7:45pm when I headed to the gym, I still felt full and like I had a lump of pizza in my throat. I wasn't hungry for anything and still felt slightly ill from it.  I did a 45 minute cardio and had a great work-out but I could feel the pizza creeping up the back of my throat. For the first time in 5 weeks, (minus one night when I used entirely too much chili pepper flakes and hot sauce) I desperately needed an anti-acid pill. It is nearly 10pm, over 9 hours since I consumed the damn thing and I still am having indigestion/acid reflux from it. 

All of this to ask, was it worth it??? The reality is, NO! I think I would have been fine with half the pizza. I probably wouldn't feel so poorly. It all goes back to moderation. The good news is, I don't think I will crave pizza for a while and I am looking forward to eating some bland, oil-free fish and veggies tomorrow. 

8 Unfortunate Gym Realizations

I've now been to the gym four days out of five, and it prompted some memories of unfortunate gym realities that many can probably relate.

1) Exhausted MP3 Battery:  The sad realization that you forgot to charge your MP3 and have no juice to fuel your blood-pumping jams, which is vital to get you through your work-out. 

2) Coffee Kick-In:  The terrible realization that your morning coffee side effect has  inconveniently "kicked-in",  right in the middle of your elliptical session forcing you to flee to the nearest facility. 

3) Second String Skivvies: The uncomfortable realization that the underwear you grabbed from the back of the drawer are not your "starting line-up" underwear but your second-string, reject pair that you keep around just in case all the others are dirty, but they sag in the bottom or the elastic cuts off the circulation off to your legs, or they are too tight and ride up causing you to try and discreetly pick a wedgie and not lose fall off the treadmill. 

4) Creepy or Competitive Neighbor: The obnoxious realization that of the 23 open machines, the creepy guy or competitive girl chose the machine right next to you.  The creepy guy is constantly trying to catch your eye, while sweat streams down your raspberry, flushed face and you get a crick in your neck from looking as far in the other direction as possible. Even worse, the competitive chick who constantly looks at your monitor seeing your speed and duration, and tries to beat it. If you increase your speed, she promptly does taking it as a challenge. 

5) Forgot the D.O.: The vile realization that you forgot to put on deodorant as the stinky fumes waft upwards with each stride, making the idea of continuing your work-out nearly unbearable. 

6) Lost Drawstring: The upsetting realization that the drawstring of your pants has retreated, completely unreachable, leaving you constantly tugging and readjusting your pants begging them to stay on your waist, but gravity pulls the down a little with each movement.

7) Squeaky Machine:  The aggravating realization that of all the machines, you picked the one that squeaks each rotation and seems absurdly loud like it's on stereo, and you are waiting for someone to go "SHUT THAT THING UP!"

8) Drive Home Digestive Drama:  The painful and nerve-racking realization that all the exercise has made your 10-minute drive home just 1 minute too long for your stomach.

Three and Thirty

Today marks the official 3 week mark, and I am down 30.1 lbs! I am excited! Although, I am not obsessed with the scale reading back a certain number, and have no false dreams of being 125lb, the scale does give me a point of progress.  My reservations about losing so much in so little time, are that it's all water weight, or that as soon as I begin working out, and gain muscle, I will be discouraged if the number doesn't continue to decrease. 

I am actually striving towards a goal weight, but again, only because it is a measurable goal. The weight the doctor gave me, is definitely at the heaviest end of my weight bracket for my height.  In reality, I am really going towards being a certain size. I would love to be somewhere around a size 8 to 10. Why a size 8 to 10 and not a size 4? Well, because I just don't think I'm designed to be that small. I was always a bigger child and toddler from what I can see in photos, and I don't need to be "skinny", I only need to be thin and healthy.  I much rather have a fit, athletic build than a waif-like body. 

Actually, at my lowest weight, I was wearing a size 14 to 12, but not a solid, comfortable 12. I could fit in tops that were a Large, but again not solidly, it depending on the designer. Based off my previous low weight, and where the doctor thinks my weight should be, I think a size 8 or 10 is exactly what I will end up wearing. 

For now, I continue to search my body for signs of being 30 lbs lighter, and I just can't really find it.  No part of me seems thinner, except maybe my face. That is not encouraging. Again I ask, what number on the scale will I be able to see a difference in the mirror? In 20 more pounds? Or will it be 50? And how the hell long will that take?

Ah yes, this brings me to one of the most challenging parts of weight-loss....patience. These past three weeks have taken forever! When I think about the first few days of the diet, it seems like months ago. I've been doing so well, going so strong for 3 weeks, why am I not strutting around in a bikini yet? This is always my mentality.  Granted, I know part of me is somewhat joking, but the other part is like "NO for real, why can't I see major results?!?" Yet I didn't gain it all in three weeks or three months for that matter, and have to continually remind myself and keep that in perspective.  In fact, from my lowest weight, it took me probably 10 months to gain it all back.  It was gradual just like weight-loss.  On the flip side, gaining weight is not nearly as challenging as losing it, actually, gaining is quite easy, and everyone can attest to this little devilish fact. 

Although I am struggling to see a blatant size difference reflected back at me, I am seeing other physical signs of success.  For months and months, I was struggling with severe acid reflux, at night in particular, although, it would flair up in the day if I ate the wrong things. I was taking at least two Pepcid AC pills before I went to sleep.  Also, my snoring had become alarming... like possibly needing a C-Pap alarming.  I had fallen asleep on the sofa one lazy afternoon, and Zach had recorded my snoring, thinking it was amusing.  He played it back for me, and I found it anything but funny. I was scared. It sounded terrible, like I couldn't breathe. I am very pleased to say, in just these few weeks, I no longer need Pepcid, and my snoring has already decreased immensely according to Zach. I guess losing in my face and particularly, under my chin has been much more important than I realized, and shouldn't write it off as nothing!

.  

Point me to the Nearest Turkish bath, por favor!

I woke up this morning, one of my two mornings to sleep in, around 7:30AM, thanks to one of my employees calling me. Despite my incredible annoyance, I found myself surprisingly awake and alert and with a giant crick in my neck. Just as painful was the recurring thought that resonates through my head constantly,  "My job is terrible!"  It's one of those jobs where you are responsible for everything, yet nearly everything is out of your control. Our metrics, scores, all controlled by the customer taking a phone survey, which seemingly determines our worth and dedication, even if the customer is a little old lady who can't see what button she is pushing. 

All of this to say, I need a new job.  I need a job where I work with people, but NOT the general public because let's face it, the general public are a bunch of assholes, not to mention ignorant and impatient.  I need a new job that is less stressful.  It's no wonder I am the 5th manager in 2 years. Who would want this job!??! 

One imperative aspect in my finding a new job is weight loss.  There are many reasons, one being I have no confidence at this weight.  I don't feel comfortable in my body and could not walk into a room and own it.  At this weight, everything looks ill-fitting, awkward and unflattering. Additionally, there are the preconceived opinions about us fatties.  Fat folk are lazy, lacking ambition, apathetic, or why else would they not lose weight.  

My job keeps me so stressed and wound-up and it's constantly in the back of my mind. I begin to dread Monday mornings and starting a new week on Friday afternoon. Is it just me or is there something incredibly wrong about that?! Everyone knows how terrible stress is on your body and mind. However, it goes so far as to affect all my relationships, in particular with family and friends.  By the end of the day, I am so beyond sick of answering phone calls that I want to liberate myself of it by smashing my phone into thousand pieces. Even if it is family or friends who call, I feel overwhelmed and don't want to talk. It's like I can't handle being on the phone hearing anyone else's problems, because that's all I do, ALL DAY LONG! 

This coming week, I will start going to the gym.  I would have started this week, but excessive cramps had me feeling miserable and glued to my heating pad most afternoons. I am hoping that exercise can be a stress outlet. Please adrenaline and endorphins take some of this stress out of my mind!

The few minutes I lay in bed this morning, before deciding it was all for not, I thought back to my fabulous gym in Madrid, and only wish I could find such a place here. The actual gym/work-out portion of the facility was not impressive.  In fact, by American standards, it was lacking.  Having very few of each piece of equipment, and not much space.  However, it was all I needed.  They offered plenty of group exercise classes as well.

What it did offer was a very nice lap pool with around 8 lanes, and most impressively, a spa.  The spa had 6 saunas, a few dry and wet ones, and one Turkish spa... my favorite! The heat and steam were almost unbearable in the Turkish spa at first, and the overwhelming smell of essential oils like eucalyptus was intense yet incredible.  I would make my way to the benches and lay down, and bear the heat and steam as long as possible, focusing on breathing and relaxing.  After that, I would visit the salt water pool, only if I didn't have freshly shaven legs, OUCH! I would float with increased buoyancy from the salt, enjoying its healing properties, in particular on my poor, broken out face.  After thoroughly rinsing off, I dipped into the massage pools.  It was dimly lit with relaxing music.  Each area had powerful jets that with a push of the button would stream down on you, massaging different areas. They had massage jets for, head, back, thighs, calves, buttocks, arms and you just swim from station to station enjoying each. It was fantastic.  Sometimes after swimming laps, I would dip in the hot tub upstairs to relax.

After a nice workout and relaxing hour in the spa, I would shower and dress in their immaculate locker room.  I was always taken a back from the carefree nudity and would myself dress in the shower area behind fogged, rippled glass and strategically placed towels. My own little joke was to change the scale from kilos to pounds, and just imagine all the skinny bitches of Madrid see the number read back 110, and promptly freak out!

It was worth the ridiculously high cost and having to wear a swimming cap. Another beautiful thing was I didn't understand the language.  So, I wasn't bothered with insecurities like, "what are they whispering about me??" I had no idea and didn't much care.  However, I do remember and understand when some of the staff told me how much weight I seemed to have lost. Si, si me bajo el peso!!!! That was very encouraging. Although, I remember thinking part of it was going from wearing super baggy collegiate tshirts to much more form-fitting graphic tees. 

So what about here? Is there anything half as fabulous? Please? Just a little oasis of tranquility and health? For now, I guess I will have to accept the no frills of Planet Fitness and it's very modest pricing.  However, if I were to find a spa/gym such as that, I would be willing to dole out some dinero!

Challenging Times

So, today marks 2 weeks, but it feels like much longer. I have lost over 20 pounds, which is great and I am getting more and more inspired.  I know that once I can physically see a difference for myself, I will be completely encouraged! 

Recently, I've had two major tests of my willpower. First, Zach and I went to the movies, and like most red-blooded Americans, it seems only natural to have a box of candy or popcorn in one hand and a sugary soda in the other.  I was very skeptical about going, thinking it would somehow be too much for me and I wouldn't be able to enjoy the experience without an unhealthy snack. It's become standard practice for Zach and I after all to eat Sour Patch Kids and share a Coke. However, I found a way to make it work for me, and smuggled in strawberries and bottled water.  The delicious aroma of buttery popcorn wafting throughout the complex was still very tempting, and cruel, but I was able to enjoy the movie and still have something to munch on.

The biggest test of strength came this weekend, at my future sister-in-law's 'Meet the Bride' party.  I went to Kingsport on Friday night, where all sorts of delicious food stared back at me, begging me to have a taste. Pizza, hamburgers, chicken grilled in molasses and teriyaki sauce,  ice cream, wine, an orange cottage-cheese salad that I LOVE, ice cream cake, some sort of apple crumble cake.  Then, Saturday croissants loaded with chicken salad, cake balls, a melon fruit bowl, a pasta dish topped with cheese... maybe I should stop... I'm salivating! 

The point being that there was temptation coming at me from all corners. Somehow, I resisted.  I didn't have even a single taste. I can hardly believe that. Dad grilled me my own chicken sans oils or sauce, and it was delicious.  In fact, he grilled me a slew of chicken to bring back with me. Thank goodness! What an awesome man! I've got to say, it was incredible to not have to come home and cook a bunch of meat.  Tomorrow is my double shift day, and I would have had to cook for 3 meals (Monday morning and night, and Tuesday morning meal) and cooking has become so tedious.  (How did my Mom do it all those years every day?!? )Grilled chicken on an actual grill is leaps and bounds tastier than on the George Foreman. Thank you Dad! 

Despite not being able to partake in all the delicious food, it was a lovely event to celebrate my soon-to-be sister-in-law, Jamie. It turned out great! Mom did a fantastic job, and there was a big turnout. She really is in her element when it comes to event planning, and I know Jamie was thankful! 

I am also happy to say that I only have 2 weeks left of this 500 calorie diet and HCG shot portion of my journey. I'm still not convinced the HCG injection is aiding, but I know the 500 calorie limitation is.  So, in 2 weeks time, I plan to bump up my calories to around 900 but basically eating similar foods.  I'll expand my vegetable and fruit selection, but I will still try to not add extra fats to my food like oils and cheese for the time being, simply because they are so calorie rich. I've decided to have a cheat meal once a week, probably on Friday nights so Zach and I can go out to a restaurant and enjoy a date night. 

Also, this week I plan to start going to the gym to walk or do light elliptical for 30 minutes. I need to start getting in the habit of going, that way in two weeks when I bump my calories up, I can really begin the fitness portion of my journey. I'm excited to get back in shape and get my metabolism pumping again.

I am resolved to the reality that I will always have to stay active and watch what I eat to some degree.  I wasn't born with genetics that allow me to eat what I want and never gain.  Not to mention the fact that I desire large portions are large portions of all the things I shouldn't eat. Yet with such phenomenally supportive parents, and such a sweet and supportive partner, I think this healthy reality is feasible!

Future's Looking Thin...

Today is day 7! Yes, I've made it one whole week! I fell off the wagon today a bit, splurging on "Melba Toast"... of all things, I know, I know. I am allowed two pieces per day.  Has anyone ever seen Melba Toast?  I am debating on cutting them out entirely.  Why is it that bland, easy to eat foods are such a weakness for me? Why don't I splurge on asparagus or Swiss chard? I'm not alarmed that I slipped today.  It could have been worse. It could have the raspberry-ice cream sitting in the freezer...  It could have been a Chick-Fil-A chicken deluxe chicken sandwich ;-) But regardless, calories are calories.


Last time, in the first few months of trying to lose, everyone was telling me how much weight I had lost, but I couldn't see it in the mirror yet.  My clothes became baggier and baggier, and yet, I still couldn't see it.  Isn't that funny?  Similarly, when I put on I can't really "see" just how much I've gained.  Perception is such a challenging aspect of the journey. 


This morning I was down 14 lbs, since I started. (We'll see tomorrow AM if that is still true with the Melba Toast fiasco). Fourteen pounds for someone my size, is a drop in the bucket, not to discredit my efforts. It's a great start, but I can't help but wonder at how many pounds will I see some results? It's so exciting to think about! 


I decided today instead of focusing on how I feel, and how challenging this journey is, that I would focus on all the amazing things I'm looking forward to as a thinner, healthier me:


-SHOPPING! Not to be too cliche, but I can't wait until I can shop for clothes and actually enjoy the way the clothes lay on my body. I can't wait to see a number on the tag of my jeans that doesn't make me feel ashamed and humiliated. I can't wait to try on clothes with my mom and not fight ;-)


-CONFIDENCE- I can't wait to feel more confident. To walk into a place fully confident, not thinking people are judging me on how horrible or fat I look, but know who I am , what I have to offer, and how fabulous I am and not giving too much thought to other people's criticisms. 


-EXERCISE- I can't wait to be able to run again! I had gained the endurance to run 5 miles or more without stopping.  It was an incredible feeling of accomplishment! I couldn't even do that in high school. It was a way to relieve stress and clear my mind.  I can't wait to be fit again, and have some endurance and strength.


-THIGHAGE- I can't wait for my thighs to touch less.  This might sound crazy for those of you who have never been overweight, or have very thin legs. Some people's thighs might not even be aware that it has a mate just across the way, but my thighs have rarely been apart, but they are getting very fed up with each other, and I think it's time they give each other some space.


-COMFORT- Again, some of you might not know what it's like to be overweight, and I commend you for this.  Some of you might have been pregnant though, and can relate to the feeling of being trapped in this large, awkward form that inhibits you at times from doing the most simple of tasks.  It's embarrassing but more over, it's frustrating!! To struggle to do elementary, daily duties is absolutely not a way to live!


-HEALTH- I want to live a healthy life.  I do not want to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars in avoidable medical bills. I want to have energy and great joints. I want to be strong! 


-AIRPLANE SEATS- I haven't flown in a long while, but I most definitely don't want to be one of those people who need a seat belt extender! I do recall, that the last time I flew in the autumn, I was at the end of the belt.  I don't want to be one of those people who enter the plane and hit every other passenger with my hips as I walk down the aisle, and every seated passenger is praying I'm not going to sit next to them and overflow into their seat overcrowding them for the duration of the flight. 


-LEATHER JACKET- I have this leather jacket I bought in Spain, and desperately want to fit in again.  In fact, I want to be able to fit in all my old clothes again.. Then, get even thinner. 


These are just a few of the many positive, life-changing results I'm expecting!! 

This will be brief but positive. I felt normal today!!! Yes, I felt good! Still hungry at different parts of the day, but I felt amazingly better. I also want to thank my parents for calling me and constantly supporting me, making sure I'm still hanging in there.  Also, I have to thank Zach. He's been incredibly supportive and encouraging.  He also has been giving me the injections and doing a perfect job! 

There will be more tomorrow, but I took a sleeping pill earlier to take a nap, which was a colossal mistake. So, now I am in this groggy funk. I had to wake myself up to eat, and surprisingly was not hungry.  I considered not eating, but I didn't want to wake up in the middle of the night starved.

Once again, I want to thank you three (the only ones reading this) because someone very wise once told me, "You can't do this alone," and I haven't felt alone at all.

LOVE YOU! XOXO