Justification, but for Whom?

In two weeks from today, I will finish my time here as an au pair here in Czech Republic.  I will bid farewell to southern Bohemia, the place I called home for the past year with a family that has become something like my own relatives.  (But still quite distant relatives... where there are many awkward silences filled with nodding and such.) 

I can't help but find myself reflecting back nostalgically on the past year, and simultaneously giddy about the future and all that awaits me.  I can scarcely believe it has been over a year since I arrived in CZ.  I feel like the year flew by.  

This past year has provided me so many opportunities that I NEVER would have experienced on my own.  While working for the Grills', I will have been able to visit nine countries, four of them for the first time, and I can hardly forget to mention the incredible Euro Cup Match I witnessed in Basel.  None of which would have been possible with some dinky, minimum-wage job in Kingsport. 

 

I say this in part to "justify" my actions.  At first, I thought I was merely justifying my lifestyle to my parents, who sometimes claim that I eventually will have to enter "the real world".  I was always annoyed at this comment (Karen...).  What does that even mean?  Paying bills, living paycheck-to-paycheck, attempting to save a dime or two, getting married, popping out babies, and the like? 

This brings me to the point that there is some notion within us saying, in order to enjoy our lives, we must first suffer.  After one graduates university, one must scrap by on their meager salary, while they slowly work up the socioeconomic ladder.  In the meantime, one must be married and start having children. 

 Eventually, after 20 to 30 years of hard work, raising children,  saving money for retirement, children's education, that dream vacation, you finally get the kids off to college with straight teeth mind you, and can finally focus back on yourself.  But wait, what's this? Elderly parents to worry about, jobs that you can't leave, and the exhausting idea of a vacation abroad is overwhelming after going 90mph for the last 25 years.  Then, people say, "When I retire I will..."  Yes, because clearly retirement age is the prime age to jet-set round the world.  Most people are in top physical condition for such extravagant adventures. 

I will confess that the younger generations do have a bad case of the "Lazy, half-ass workers, who want to be wealthy immediately, if not sooner, without raising a finger". I see this, and I agree.  There are many of us who still find ourselves questioning "What do I want to be when I grow up? Regardless of having already graduated university.  Do we have it too easy?  Or are there just too many options these days to settle down and decide?

Take me for example, I am getting the opportunities to do things my parents couldn't do.  Between globalization and improved living standards with most generations, we are a spoiled bunch of twerps, who seek adventure and fun without wanting to work.

All of this rambling to say,  I have started feeling the pressure to decide what I want to do with my life, and have a plan for my future, and settle down in an area.  Is it purely an unspoken societal pressure that there is a formula with only limited flexibility? As in, okay study abroad and au pair, that's enough, come back to reality. Or perhaps, it's parental pressure, wanting me closer to home and steady without country hopping every year? Perhaps, it is self-pressure? 

Initially, I was very defensive.  On the phone one day, I ranted and raved to my Mom after she asked what I planned to do next and some mention at my need to entire reality soon.  How is what I am doing any worse than my peers back home?  Why is this such an unreasonable lifestyle for now?  I am not saying she said this by any means, but she does often remind me that eventually, I will have to grow up, and of course that I have "no idea" what it's like.

I began my tirade by saying that they pay for none of my bills, and in that sense, I am completely independent from them financially.  I don't ask for money, and I don't need for money.  I have been able to save some money, which I dare say would be a reasonable amount for any fresh college grad in their first year working.  I have found a job that allows me to support myself, and still get to do what I enjoy.  All my bills are paid for, including airfare and insurance, and... and... 

Then, it dawned on me that perhaps I was defending myself to myself.  I definitely have that mentality that too many good things happening is bound to be followed by something terrible and bizarre, like getting struck by lightening or dying from a spider bite.  Am I just paranoid or is this a guilt issue?  

Most likely both... I can't help but feel guilty for getting to have all of these incredible experiences while I watch my parents work extreme hours and go to bed exhausted and stressed.  I know they are happy for me, but why can't I accept that? 

I had really began to work myself up with the "What will I do next? What will I do in the long haul? What am I doing? "  I tried to plan every aspect for the next year.  I needed to know what my long-term goal was.  I needed to decide on a career.  I needed to know what am I going to do with my life? And all of that, in that instant.  

>Light bulb<

 This is my life.  Here and now. In this moment sitting in Hluboka nad Vltavou, Czech Republic typing  this blog.  Why do I need to know everything right now? Who am I trying to please?  Who is demanding these answers of me? A friend here, a girl from Singapore, grounded me by saying, "Don't worry about it so much.  You can only plan so much of your life.  If you try to control every single aspect you will make yourself crazy and not enjoy the ride because plans never go as planned."

I am not completely unrealistic with the idea that I do eventually want a dental plan, to start a retirement fund, buy a house of my own, and to settle down.  However, while I can see all of these amazing places, and do all of these wild, unique things, then, why not? After all, I am only 23-years-old, and I am doing it on my own accord. 

So, maybe you asking, what will I do next?  Here is the latest.  This weekend I will be visiting my Croatian friend in Vienna.  As I mentioned, in two weeks, I leave CZ and head for Paris where I will be visiting three friends.  From Paris I fly to Nashville and will be in Tennessee until December 30th.  From there I go to Denver to spend New Years with two great gal pals.  Finally, I fly back to Europe January 6th, and will find myself in Berlin January 8th, where I will be visiting yet more friends.

Lastly,  I will go to Madrid, where I will become an au pair once again for seven months.  This is all I know as of now, but I do say, it is a lot to look forward to!