Our Firecracker Meagan

It has been a week now since the ever-hilarious and passionate Meagan left us.  This week has been one of the most intensely emotional weeks for me.  Surges of sorrow were followed by bouts of laughter with intermittent sobs when reflecting on our memories together.  I think that's exactly how she would have wanted it.  Many people were saying to me, "She wouldn't want you to be sad and crying," and I just thought, "Oh yes, she damn well would!"  

Meagan is like me in this sense that she would want the world to stop for a while for her.  I can imagine what she would say to someone who hadn't cried and screamed to the Heavens at least once for this grand loss, because Meagan knew she was a treasure! Then, after some sincere mourning, yes, she would absolutely want everyone to find peace and happiness knowing that she is in a better place and that this was ordained for her.  Doesn't everyone want there to be a bit of drama when they depart this world?

Friday night, June 19, at 2AM here in Madrid, I had the privilege of watching one of the most heart-wrenching, epic, painful and yet beautiful celebrations of life, ever.  I am still in awe of the family's strength and courage.  To see Leonard's humility as he declared that he would worship his God even in the face of tragedy.  Rebecca's determination, Aaron's honesty, Melody's tenderness, her grandmother's charisma, and Jeremy's humor.  

I have taken so much from this great loss, and feel oddly enlivened.  It's like in passing Meagan gave all of us a bit of her fire.  And yes, I am fully confident that she possessed enough passion and life to give to the hundreds of people that are missing her (with some to spare.)  

I had this really vivid image of Meagan up in Heaven's living room moments before her funeral began, flopping onto the couch, crossing her legs, and with an enormous grin, rubbing her hands together, and exclaiming, "Yeah baby! Let's get this party started!" Followed by her cute, little squeak laugh! I could nearly hear it.  

I would like to say that she was probably amazed to see how many lives she touched, but let's be honest, she knew she was something special, and was saying "That's right baby! Glad to see you guys could make it to mi fiesta!"  She was so anchored in who she was and the talents she was given, and it was one of those things that maybe got under my skin at times, and forced me to roll my eyes at her confidence and admire it concurrently, but the moment she was in your presence, you couldn't remember ever being irritated with her.

In my previous blog, I feel ridiculous leaving out the most dominant characteristic about Meagan, because if there was one word that began to encompass Meagan, it is 'passionate'.  Due to the light, energy, and passion inside of her, she was able to be so many other things.  Witty, theatrical, loving, generous, and more adjectives than anyone wishes to read.   

Jeremy mentioned that she would buy random people's dinner for no other reason other than because she wanted to.  This reminded me of when two of my friends came to visit when she and I lived together, and we went to Don Pueblo's (Meagan, Mexican food? NO? Surely not!?) And at the end, she said, "I got it," and insisted on paying for all our of dinners.  I have a very difficult time accepting such gestures, but she did it with no motive other than she wanted to bless us.  

I remember thinking, "Meagan! What are you doing? You are always scrapping for money, why would you buy these boys', who you don't even really know, dinner."  Now, I realize why she was always scrapping for money.  Her immense heart and generosity consumed her bank account.  How inspiring! Another close friend of mine,  who is ironically named Megan as well, her mother has a simple but true saying when involving money, "You can't take it with you," and despite the disappointment of many Egyptian and Incan kings, it's so true!  Meagan obviously got that and used it as a tool to bless others!

I feel her presence.  I was at the gym and I was just having conversations with her in my head while doing the backstroke.  Listening to Lady Gaga on my walk home, I imaged her and I jamming out to other cheesy pop, driving down the road.  You know, it's fitting that she would be taken while in a car, giving a Celine Dion concert.  I am relieved to know she went instantly, no suffering, and managed to save her mother's life in the process.  I have countless memories of her and I driving around, just like Melody said they had so much fun on the 40-minute commute to MTSU, and I imagine her and Leonard had a blast as he chauffeured her to work the last months.  She loved driving around blaring music!

This sparks another short memory.  She once told me about how she was blasting the music and driving down the street.  She noticed that like magic, all of the cars started parting for her.  And dancing along, she thought, "Yeaaaah!" and cruised by with a smile. Haha, I can imagine her thinking, "That's right people! Move it, MEAGAN coming through!" After a minute or so of coasting like a queen, she glanced in her rearview mirror to discover there was an ambulance with flashing lights and angry EMTs jabbing at the horn! 

I am surprised at the serenity I am feeling about her passing.  I am not angry about it, and I am not questioning "WHY" any longer with brandished fists.  However, I continue to find moments of desolation at the loss.  I can't help but be sad for baby Olive, who never really got to know her aunt Meagan.  Can you imagine what an incredibly fun aunt Meagan was and would have been, especially about the time where a gal starts wearing make-up and getting into clothes?  Meagan would have had Olive styled to the 9s!  She wouldn't have any of those awkward, prepubescent photos to burn. Or the thought of her family trying to celebrate holidays without her. Or how much fun she and I would have had if we could have met up in Europe. Especially somewhere like Italy or Spain!  

Then, I am reminded for the millionth time.  Life is not a right, something we are entitle, but rather a conditional gift.  We are not guaranteed tomorrow, and we humans tend to think we should be entitled to not just one, but infinite tomorrows.  It's important to show love every day... to banish negative energy, to live each day, and celebrate it as a gift!!!  I have learned so much from Meagan, and Meagan's untimely death. 

Now, I find myself asking, "What would Meagan do?" and not just when it comes to make-up choices, although, yesterday I did ponder, "Would Megan wear this electric purple? Hmm.. or should I opt for a smokey berry... How would Meagan have applied this smokey berry!?" I will remember Meagan all the little things.  She has added a bounce and strut to my step, and I know she is up there still bouncing, strutting and being her FABULOUS self! 

Meagan, Love you eternally... miss you forever... and cherish our time together for always... ¡Chau for now cariño!