Normally, at the first sign of sickness, you can find me waiting in a doctor's office. I am not a hypochondriac, but I believe in the least amount of suffering, thus trying to diagnosis and treat illnesses early. However, I am not in my normal situation, and I lack the luxury to hop in Fernando the Hondo and zip over to my doctor. Instead, I must go through the family who employees me. I must explain to the mother of my ailments, when it began, my guess as to why it began, frequency, severity, etc. and hope that she is understanding the urgency.
Yet I get the feeling Czech adults do things differently. They believe in a more natural, doctor-free healing process. Things like drinking tea and lying in bed all day.
This is the second time I have been extremely ill with this family and wanted a doctor. I voiced it this time, and I felt my initial request was shrugged off. However, the youngest and I were both sick, although completely different illnesses, and the mom suggested I tag along to the pediatrician, and she could look at me too. Granted, this was not ideal, but I agreed to it.
The doctor's office was a bit provincial compared to U.S. standards having no equipment besides a white examination table. Even the table was a bit crude, lacking adjustable features or nifty gadgets that pulled out, sprang up, or detached like American tables. She "examined" the little one, listening to her heart and breathing. She grabbed a tongue depressor and shined a light to the back of her throat. Then, the doctor tossed the depressor onto a plate on her desk. It was then I began frantically looking around the room for the overflowing jars of tongue depressors, cotton balls, gauze, and cotton swabs, which normally reside on the countertops. However, I saw none, and my bacteria paranoia began.
My turn was next, and I was panicking slightly. Was she going to use the same tongue depressor on me? Does she have only a sole, wooden tongue depressor for all her patients? Am I going to be infected with some rare Czech disease from the saliva of previous patients? After listening to my heart and breathing, sure enough, she grabbed the same tongue depressor as she had used on Zdenicka. With apprehension, I opened my mouth as she inserted the disgusting, unsanitary plank. I should have bit down breaking it forcing her to use a new one on the next patients.
After my perfunctory examination of her pushing on my stomach in different areas and me saying "owww" each time, she concluded her diagnosis and began spilling a lengthy report to Zdenka in Czech. I waited patiently, awkwardly, more concerned about the new diseases in which she lavished me with her popsicle stick, and waited for this interminable prognosis to end. I was waiting, hoping, praying for the doctor to whip out her prescription pad and write me one for some antibiotics. Instead, on a scarp piece of paper, she wrote the name of an over-the-counter drug and handed it to Zdenka.
After thanking the doctor, we left and Zdenka began to tell me what the doctor said. The following was the "professional medical" advice from the doctor. I was to eat only dry food for the remainder of the week at five small meals per day. The first day it should consist of bread and rice, sweet than salty, alternating each meal between sweet and salty. I was to drink only mineral water and black tea all day, and 1/2 cup of peppermint tea, but only in the morning. On the second day, I could have a banana and the third some chicken. I was to rest and drink plenty of fluids. The over-the-counter medicine,used to treat sour stomach and heartburn, was to be taken exactly one hour after eating. Finally, I was to go into an empty field at 9:00 PM sharp during a half-moon, holding a lemon in my left hand and a clove of garlic in the other, I was to began spinning in circles and every fourth spin jump into the air exclaiming "Yupee!" (Czech equivalent to our "Hooray!")
Okay, so the last part isn't exactly true, but these people didn't seem to understand I didn't need their hoodoo medical rituals, I needed a real examination with needles and discomfort. I didn't have a mild case of indigestion from binging on chocolate, or have a sour stomach or a sodding case of heartburn! (I always use my same analogy.) It was as if I had swallowed an entire community of tiny angry villagers with pitchforks. They were tromping around my intestines, brandishing their pitchforks and torches in upward motions, yelling "Kill the beast!" in something frightfully reminiscent of the scene in Beauty and the Beast when Gaston is rallying the villagers. There was some gremlin if not Satan himself in my digestive tract ravaging it without mercy! I didn't need a half glass of peppermint tea. I needed antibiotics or a white blood cell count!
Perhaps, this is the flaw with the two systems, Czech and American, neither are wholistic methods. American doctors, at least all of mine, are major pill pushers. I can't count all the times I heard from a doctor, "I'm not sure what's wrong with you, it's probably viral. But, I'm going to go ahead and put you on a round of antibiotics. If after it you aren't better after, come back in." They are very eager to stuff a little pill down your throat, the quick and easy route, and usher you back to work. No, no don't take in mind the long-term consequences of taking antibiotics and prescription pills for every little cough and sneeze. Disregard the fact that one's body might become immune to the antibiotics, and yet have no immunity to diseases and bacteria. Some might even wonder if American doctors are in cahoots with the drug corporations.
On the other hand, the Czechs seem to be all about riding out the illnesses and the natural healing processes with herbal teas and rest. Antibiotics and other prescription drugs seem to be the very last resort. I also find this troubling considering significant damage can be done by letting illnesses go untreated and undiagnosed. When I was raging with fever in Malaysia, even then, they seemed to believe I did not need a doctor, but simply more rest. I find this excruciatingly annoying and potentially dangerous.
I know my body, and perhaps I didn't do a fantastic job at relaying the severity of my condition this past week, maybe I should have been more persistent. I did magically recover this week by natural means, but I am still nervous that the demon is simply lying dormant until another time it can molest and plunder my internals! There needs to be a medium between pill pushing medical tactics and complete finger-crossing, natural methods. For now, I am simply hoping the parasitic varmint doesn't return to wreak havoc on my body and my apparently nonexistent immune system!
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